for the past 30 minutes, i kept trying to place this word… what word could exactly define what i dont have? what i simply cannot fathom for the life of me…
2 minutes ago, with the opening of this page, i realized that its dedication.
is it just me? do other people also find the whole concept of “dedication” just too difficult to understand and grasp?
how can i get over this? how i get beyond this? how? how? how? HOW?????
the lack of it, is affecting my life.
yesterday and today have turned out to be the most fucked up days ever.
men come and go. that is turning out to be the story of my life. and i thought i had it all this time around – and i am just realizing, that i might be wrong. that this time it is worse. i have nothing left of myself anymore.
nothing.
am empty. used. and useless.
just yesterday i found myself wondering whether i was doing what i had always dreamt of doing… dreams are the stuff which you use to get by, in the days of yore. i used to dream of writing, reading to my hearts content, going to an university in some far off foreign country, travel the world and even finding the love of my life by the time i was 22.
am 24 now. my undergraduate education more or less complete. job(s) in hand.
now i find myself wondering whether i did what i wanted to do; have i followed my dreams. i did not go to any far away country to get my degree. instead i opted to do it from home, at the university closest to where i live. i did english – which would make one immediately think, oh yes.. so she did get to write and read! but no, she didnt really get to do that. the numerous assignments and the forced academic style killed my creativity. four years down the line, university education complete… i found that i had not written more than 3 poems during my entire university life.
the only travelling i seem to have done is to colombo and back and the wild flights of fancy that my imagination used to take me. the only foreign land i plan to visit in the near future is to india with my brother.
the ideal job or jobs… here again, i wonder. wonder whether i failed miserably or whether i failed in style. here i am, a junior lecturer in uni and a research associate in some ngo. i balance both, as hectic as it may seem. i run to and fro every day trying to get the work done in both places; especially as the lecturing demands a lot of preparation. this mind you is mainly due to the reason that i used to abscond many many classes while i was a student. the research segment is fun – mainly because i am learning so much. but i find myself at home. i havent moved an inch away.
this is where everything falls into place. i need to move away. i need to make it on my own. i need to breathe. why do i feel deep within me that its time? time to walk away with the heartache, the loneliness and make my own little space and be at peace with the world?
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playing in the background: i still havent found what i am looking for – U2
for starters, am indeed new to this. thus i shall call it my elegantly twisted learning experience… so, why did this blog come about?
i dont know.
here i am trying to make sense of what i am doing even without knowing why, how or WHY. but come to think of it, maybe i might revel in it. and until i get bored with this whole experiment, i shall enjoy it. yes, me thinks i will live for the moment.
with pink floyd playing in the background. 
maybe it is due to the acute case of boredom i seem to suffering from these days. maybe it is because i am growing old. or maybe it is because i needed room to voice my twisted thoughts, ideas and opinions: however twisted they may be!
elegantlytwisted says: ROZHBASH.
you respond: BASHEM.
*This being “hello!” and “hello right back at ya!” in Kurdi, spoken in Iran and Iraq. 
